Lance Armstrong envies Salman Khan

Yes, it’s true everyone. Lance Armstrong envies Salman Khan. The world has not been witness to such jealousy since Achilles spurned the advances of hundreds of Greek babes and attempted to sodomize Paris, the prince of Troy. I have shared this theory with several of my friends during my recent and all too frequent bouts of drunkenness, but nobody could propose a parallel in history, post Christ.
So what exactly has caused this uneasy state of affairs between Lance and Salman? Is it Salman’s physique? His countless girlfriends? His new found hair? His earth shattering dance moves from Dabang? In fact, none of these. Specially not the last one. The reason why Salman Khan’s picture adorns the face of Lance Armstrong’s dart board is because the former has robbed the latter of his place in popular culture, and in the hearts of India’s youth. Let’s face it guys, no one in India gives a damn about Tour De France (Tour of France, for those who don’t comprehend the French language). Cycling is not even a sport for us Indians. It is indeed, below the dignity of our great emerging middle class. Who, I ask you, rides a bicycle in India unless he has a school bag, a bundle of newspapers or other merchandise placed on its carrier? And what good is a bicycle without a carrier? What kind of a wussy wears a helmet while riding a bicycle? And what kind of a heterosexual man wears stretchy Latex shorts? In this scenario, Lance Armstrong’s sole claim to fame in India were those stretchy wristbands with ‘Livestrong’ written on them.
Livestrong bands were a rage not so long ago. Anybody not wearing one, was seen as ‘insensitive’,’ inconsiderate’ and totally not plugged into current affairs and Arundhati Roy’s Literature. However, they have now been knocked off the top pedestal of celebrity-endorsed merchandise; much like Roger Federer has been knocked off the top of the ATP ratings. This is where Salman comes into the picture. The Livestrong bands have been KO’d by Salman’s very own ‘Being Human’ T-shirts. Ever since Salman sported one, the youth of the nation has embraced the Tees; much like Salman embraces his heroines in his movies. Experts have commented that this is the nation’s way of expressing approval for the fact that finally, Salman has ended his boycott of shirts. Whatever be the reason, the ‘Being human’ phenomenon has captured the nation’s imagination. ‘Being human’ T-shirts have replaced Livestrong bands as the largest selling non-digital merchandise in Delhi’s Palika Bazaar, and indeed flea-markets across the country.

The sheer genius of Salman Khan is evident from the fact that he chose something as useful as a tee to leave his mark on. What good is a wrist band anyways? This is the reason why he has been able to woo the masses as against the Livestrong bands which were the toast of the artsy –fartsy types. (Artsy Fartsy = Chetan Bhagat enthusiasts, N-Sync fans, Yahoo messenger users). Is there any surprise that he has relegated those wristbands to the 2nd spot? Is it any wonder that Lance Armstrong is seriously pissed at losing out on the India opportunity? Well, he can cry his heart out now. He should have known better.

Can Sehwag be the new Gandhi?

Back in the 1910s, India’s struggle to oust the British from our country was going haywire. It was as directionless as a Suraj Barjatya movie. We firmly maintained that we were a great civilization, and would have eventually learnt how to make tea and to ball dance, with or without British supervision. No one else seemed to believe. At that juncture, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi took command of the situation, and slowly but surely steered the nation to independence.

The current context isn’t as grand, but is worrying nonetheless. India are in the middle of a losing battle to salvage their No.1 ranking in test cricket. England are hell bent on taking it. In the last two test matches, our team has shown flashes of Indian cricket from the nightmarish 80s and early 90s. That spirit of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory has dominated. Half of the team is out injured, and the nation looks to Virender Sehwag as the potential savior. It might as well happen. All of us know that if Sehwag stays in the middle for two sessions of play, he will snatch the game from the opposition, and set the much needed platform to win the next two test matches. Here is his moment to do a “Gandhi” on the Brits, and restore his team’s pride.

The onus, however, not rests on Sehwag alone. The Indian team has looked like a distant shadow of the fighting force that it has been over the last three years. Harbhajan Singh has been among the most threatening batsmen on this tour, and MS Dhoni has looked menacing with the ball on a couple of occasions. That surely can’t be good news. There have been moments of domination, led mostly by Rahul Dravid and the medium pacers, but as a team, India have failed to deliver the knockout blow.

Let’s not take anything away from England. Obnoxious as they are, they have played like world beaters. Stuart Broad has been the stand out performer for them. He seems well on his way to becoming the most famous lad from Nottingham since Robinhood. The rhetoric in the British press (By British press I mean two former England captains who sobbed when they were sacked and contributed generously to the greatness of McGrath and Warne in their playing days) would have you believe that the first two test matches were as significant as the Dunkirk-Battle of Britain one-two during the World War. Michael Vaughan has already predicted a 4-0 triumph for England. Now normally, Michael Vaughan’s opinion should matter only as much as the next Fardeen Khan movie. The unnerving thing however, is that as someone who has been at the wrong end of several clean sweeps, Vaughan might be on to something here. Anyways, I am sure Dhoni has taken note of this prophetic revelation, and will do all he can to save Mr. Vaughan the blushes of being termed a messiah/prophet etc. Let’s hope England will not have to go through the pressure of being the No.1 team in the world.

Elsewhere in the cricketing fraternity, news from Pakistan continues to entertain (However not as much as Zulqarnain Haider’s Houdini act last year. That one took the cake). In an insightful move, the selectors have decided to “rest” Umar Gul and Wahab Riaz for the tour of Zimbabwe. Now here’s the thing – Both of these gentlemen have not appeared in an international since March. One must wonder what exactly has led to this need for “rest”? Were they training too hard? What for? My guess would be international cricket fixtures. Shahid Afridi’s omission from the squad has bamboozled many. What bamboozles me is that how could they forget that Afridi announced his retirement from cricket three months ago. It would be a bit harsh to blame the Pakistani media. It is indeed difficult to tell who in Pakistan is retired and who isn’t. I just learnt that Younis Khan isn’t retired anymore.

More on international fixtures – Zimbabwe returned to test cricket with a victory over who else but Bangladesh and Australia lost their two T-20 fixtures against Sri Lanka. No one seemed to notice apart from parties directly involved.

P.S. - Inzamam-Ul-Haq has sent his compliments to Ian Bell for coming so close to adding one of stupidest run outs in the history of the game to his resume. He agreed that a similar incident involving Tendulkar would have caused riots in Mumbai. He also agreed that it is not Tendulkar’s fault that the English cricket fans think their cricketers are not worth rioting for.

Parallel Universe – 3

Lokpal, come and get me

Dravid’s snub to BCCI inspires many to follow suit

Rahul Dravid’s decision to quit ODIs and T-20s shortly after his inclusion into the Indian squad for the limited overs matches against England has inspired several of his peers to snub the BCCI thusly. Leading the pack was former India cap and Gujarat stalwart Devang Gandhi. Gandhi made the announcement while speaking to local media at the ribbon cutting ceremony at a new Dhokla joint in Ahmadabad. After answering the press’ questions, Devang said ‘I have one last thing to say folks’ ‘I am making myself unavailable for selection for all forms of cricket’. Before the press reps could react, a visibly perplexed Devang added ‘Or …umm…maybe…wait…I am still available for ODIs and T 20s.’

A very different and otherwise inspired move from VVS Laxman followed shortly. Laxman, currently on tour in England, announced via twitter (@vangipurupuvenkatasai) that he is making himself unavailable for brand endorsements of all sorts with immediate effect. In related events, Joginder Sharma made himself unavailable for commentary assignments, while Greg Chappell made himself unavailable for coaching jobs in India. According to our sources, Lalit Modi is soon expected to make a similar announcement, and make himself unavailable for all BCCI offices.

BJP turns to digital media to turn on the heat on the government

Stepping up the offensive on the ever faltering UPA-II government, the BJP today launched a full-fledged digital offensive on the incumbents. The campaign started with a cryptic MMS which was received by several high ranking congress leaders this morning. We have managed to get a copy of the said MMS.

Commenting on the campaign, a spokesperson for the BJP said that the attempt is to woo the youth of the nation. “It’s all about having more street cred than the rivals. We are turning our hustle on with a revamped media policy and also a revamped vocabulary…word up!!” The spokesperson said that the use of MMS is a Quentin Tarantino-ish symbolic move, because the letters MMS are the PM’s initials as well. “The government is on the back foot, and has not responded to our pokes on facebook” another senior BJP leader commented today. “The social networking sites Facebook and Orkut are part of our two-pronged strategy ” The leader added. “While facebook will address the urban masses, through Orkut we hope to strike right down to the grass roots”. A congress spokesperson told the media that the party was now missing the services of Shashi Tharoor. Tharoor is reportedly recovering from a twitter burnout. “He has suffered a serious concussion to his middle finger”. A source within the congress said. “It is hardly a surprise” said the congressman. “Everybody even remotely associated with the IPL has suffered some form of burnout or the other”.

Naxalite leader Kishenji auditioned for MTV Roadies

Naxalite commander Kishenji today sent shockwaves all around by disclosing his real motive behind becoming a naxalite. In a telephonic interview with Simi Garewal, the self-proclaimed revolutionary broke down and complained that he was rejected by Raghu Ram when he auditioned for MTV Roadies. “Actually mein roadies mere liye sab kuch hai” “Main apne aap ko prove karna chahta tha ki mere andar mein roadie spirit hai”. Kishenji disclosed that Raghu called him a “Chut**a” after he failed to do push ups during the audition. “I was really disappointed. I wanted to perform tasks and win a Hero Honda Karizma.” ‘If I can’t have a good time, no one should, and that’s why I became a naxalite”. Kishenji’s associates disclosed that the rejection has left a deep emotional scar on their leader. “He still has nightmares about the show, and often wakes up in the middle of the night screaming “Mere mein hai..main prove kar ke dikhaunga” . The government is understood to have taken a cue from this revelation, and has requested Raghu Ram to let Kishenji be a part of the next season of Roadies. Raghu was at his polite best in his response to the request. “Beh***od kya Ch****pa hai ye”. He said. “Is show par waise hi Ga***duon ke kami hai kya jo ek aur ga**du ko le kar aana padega?”

Parallel Universe – 2

Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

Poonam Pandey to strip if Real Madrid win the champions league

Model and wannabe page 3 regular Poonam Pandey has offered to strip if Real Madrid win the UEFA champions league next season. Reacting to the news, President of the football club Florentino Perez said – “Why not? Nothing else seems to be working. I am open to this experiment.” It is reported that Ms. Pandey had initially approached AC Milan with her offer. She is understood to have backed out after AC Milan Prez. Silvio Berlusconi insisted that winning the champions league should not be a pre-condition to ladies stripping in his presence. The Real Madrid squad met the offer with mixed reactions. Cristiano Ronaldo was unfazed, and stated that he doesn’t need to win anything to get women to strip. The statement was accompanied with a customary wink from the ace forward. However, others such as Karim Benzema were particularly excited, and have been training hard to ensure that they stay on the team for the next season.

CBI ropes in Bollywood for potential interrogation of David Headley

In anticipation of a likely opportunity to interrogate ISI stooge David Headley, the CBI has roped in bollywood stars to help inflict pain on the terror suspect. It is understood that the CBI will enlist the services of Fardeen Khan and Emraan Hashmi for this purpose. “We are confident that Headley will share the needed information within seconds of Fardeen recreating his introduction sequence from the movie Jansheen”. A CBI sleuth who requested to remain anonymous stated. “In order to be doubly sure about the potency of the performance, we have invited Subhash Ghai to direct Fardeen Khan for this interrogation”. The US department of state, however, expressed concerns regarding the proposed interrogation technique. “We do not support such blatant abuse of human rights” a spokesperson for the US government said. Headley himself is believed to be aware of the credentials of the said Bollywood icons, and has petitioned the US government to send him to Guantanamo bay instead.

The Rahul of all Rahuls

“Rahul” has got to be among the most common names in India. You can’t imagine walking down a street in Delhi, Lucknow or Jaipur, and not running into a Rahul. (Due apologies to all my friends called Rahul. All 37 of you). I have met some remarkable Rahuls. There are also a few famous Rahuls that I have not had the privilege of meeting - The late great RD Burman for example. Among those still around, there are two who come to mind – the one who regularly adorns the front page of all newspapers across the country (Rahul, please become PM/ Rahul not fit to become PM/Is Rahul even his real name? etc etc.) and the one who has regularly adorned the sports section of newspapers across the cricketing world for the last fifteen years – Rahul Dravid.

It was exactly fifteen years ago , 22nd^d of June 1996, when Rahul Dravid walked out to the middle at Lord’s to partner Sourav Ganguly.It was the beginning of a new era for Indian cricket. Dravid and Ganguly, along with Tendulkar, and Laxman, laid the foundation for the fearless, aggressive and confidant unit that the Indian cricket team is today. In this particular test match, While Ganguly went on to score one of the most fondly remembered debut tons ever, Dravid was unfortunate to go at 95. It was however, a remarkable feat for a debutant batting at no.7, under seaming conditions. It was only the beginning of a great career, and Dravid has gone on to amass over 12000 runs in tests, and over 10000 runs in ODIs. Needless to say, this puts him in the A-list of the most successful batsmen of all time. Stats aside, it is the quality of Dravid’s performances that makes him an all-time great. Right from the 148 & 81 against South Africa at Jo’berg in 1997, to the twin hundreds against New Zealand at Hamilton in 1999, the 180 against Australia at Kolkata in 2001, double centuries away at England, Australia and Pakistand between 2002 and 2004, twin 50s on a landmine of a pitch in Kingston in 2006…the list is endless. As I write this, India are playing WI at Kingston, and are only one wicket away from victory. The architect of this victory, once again is Rahul Dravid. His 112 in the second inning, once again in extremely trying conditions, with wickets tumbling at the other end, has proved that even in the age of T-20s, genuine class stays relevant and paramount.

What is ironic is the fact that despite such enviable achievements, some cricket fans dispute Dravid’s status as one of the greatest batsmen in the history of the sport. They offer ridiculous arguments such as – ‘He is not entertaining enough’ or ‘He could never prove himself in ODIs’. These arguments are laughable and invite utmost contempt from me and indeed from anyone who seriously follows cricket. Rahul Dravid’s batting is like poetry. If one fails to see the inspiration, perseverance and romance in it, they should probably not call themselves cricket fans. The brand of entertainment that he offers is not for the rabble. Anyways, I doubt that the great man himself would care about such criticism. His job, after all, is to provide stability to his team’s battling line-up, and not to evoke guffaws through slapstick gestures. Those who say that he failed in the shorter format of the sport, obviously have dubious memory. They conveniently forget that he is among the few who have crossed the 10,000 run barrier in ODIs. He has represented India 339 times in ODIs. In a country replete with batting talent, one can’t expect to play 339 ODIs without being excellent at the trade. These people also forget the fact that Dravid selflessly kept wickets for a long time to help accommodate a seventh batsman in the team. It was this gesture that helped forge the team that reached the World Cup final in 2003. He is the only batsman to have participated in triple hundred stands in ODIs on two separate occasions. He was also the top scorer in the 1999 World cup in England. Anybody who is aware of these facts, and has his sanity intact, would agree that Dravid did a great job in ODIs as well. He has his own way of contributing to the cause, just like Sehwag has one of his own.

All said and done, Cricket is fortunate to have an ambassador like Rahul Dravid, graceful on and off the field. As an Indian, I am proud that Rahul Dravid is my compatriot.

Parallel Universe - 1

The news that never happened, and no self respecting individual would care about even if it did happen

Hilton Bitch in sleaze tape

A sex tape featuring Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua –‘Tinkerbell’ was leaked on the internet today. The Chihuahua was seen getting cosy with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s German shepherd – ‘Heindrich’ in the said tape. On being contacted by the press, Hilton, the reclusive and media shy heiress expressed disgust. “Why don’t y’all..like..just leave us alone.” Said Paris. The Guvernator was unavailable to comment on the matter. Heindrich is rumored to have previously dated Pamela Anderson’s Yorkshire terrier, Dr.Dre’s b***h and Pauly D from Jersey Shore.

Whistle Podu

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is set to star in a Tamil remake of popular Sitcom ‘How I met your mother’. MSD’s character – ‘Periyasamy Ramalingam’ is based on the character ‘Ted Mosby’ from the original show. The rest of the star cast is rumored to include Surya, Vadivelu and Shreya Saran. Hemang Badani and Albie Morkel are set to make cameo appearances as each other in the pilot of the series. Fans would know that both Surya and Vadivelu have starred in over 100 movies, while Dhoni has starred in over 100 TV commercials. Commenting on his new role, the Indian captain said – ‘Basically I need to go back to the drawing board. I have never done comedy earlier. As you know, I am the flamboyant one and not the funny one. However, I have sought the help of the entire Pakistani cricket team to help me be funny’. The uncredited voice over for ‘Future Periyasamy’ will be provided by Kris Srikanth. MSD’s team mate Yuvraj Singh expressed confidence in his captain’s capability to ‘Change the game’ with this new venture. “Oh Jee, I am really happy for him” said Yuvraj. Yuvraj himself is believed to have been approached to star in a Punjabi remake of ‘Baywatch’. Navjot Singh Siddhu and Virat Kohli are expected to star alongside him along with the entire cheerleading squad from Pune Warriors.

Baba Benched

Pandemonium ensued as Baba Ramdev announced his candidature for the office of FIFA president. “I am willing to dedicate myself fulltime to the responsibilities of the office”. Before his supporters could stop cheering, and before Sepp Blatter could finish Googling him, Babaji clarified that by “fulltime” he meant 3 days a week. He mentioned that he intends to spend the rest of the week in the Mallorca chapter of his Ashram. The confusion lead to intense media speculation and activity. Ultimately the CRPF had to be deployed to get things under control. FIFA president Sepp Blatter rubbished the entire episode. He maintained that he has bigger priorities at hand, such as – getting re-elected to office and..ummm…doing something about racism in football..

DIY

I admit I can be pretentious at times, but essentially I am a simple guy. A simple guy who appreciates the simpler things in life. This sentiment is presently manifesting itself in my renewed interest in the Punk rock genre of music. Punk rock started as somewhat of a cultural revolt against what rock music in the 60s had become. The intricate themes and elaborate stage performances of bands such as Pink Floyd and Velvet Underground were definitely significant contributions to music, but they were taking rock music away from the masses. Not everybody had the sophistication and literary background of Syd Barrett, neither was the artistic flair that Andy Warhol brought to Velvet Underground available to all. Anyways, these things are not essential to the art of song writing or performance.

From within the frustrating and decaying social scene of New York, The Ramones came and reclaimed rock music for the common man. Their finest hour was the song ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’. The rallying cry that the song starts with, sparked a revolution marked by the pursuit of independence and dissent towards any and all things that signified the corruption of the erstwhile establishment. On the other side of the Atlantic, London’s Sex Pistols did their bit with timeless classics such as –‘Anarchy in the UK’ and ‘God save the queen’. More than anything else, it was the unconventional image of John Lydon and Sid Vicious that so endeared them to the masses. People must have thought, if these boys from Finsbury Park can speak up, why can’t we? It was unfortunate, however, that Sid Vicious died at the age of 21 because of a reckless life style, marred by drug abuse.

While New York’s famous nightclub CBGB was the birthplace of Punk Rock, it was definitely the UK where the genre found its best ambassadors. Apart from the Sex Pistols, bands like Buzzcocks and The Clash took Punk to the next level. The clash touched upon sensitive political themes, often encouraging their audiences to think for themselves and question the establishment. My personal favorite from The Clash’s work is the song – ‘London Calling’. This 1979 classic was inspired by issues such as the three miles island nuclear accident, flooding in Thames and urban riots in London. All in all, what the Punks achieved was that they could bring to mainstream issues which concerned the man of the street every day, but were never articulated.

P.S. – For rock fans, I recommend listening to the albums ‘Zen Arcade’ and ‘Candy Apple Grey’ by Husker Du. Husker Du were among the better bands around in the 80s, and have been cited as influences by bands such as Nirvana and Green Day.

Cricket is back !!

Yes, it is..!! But wait a minute! Did it even go away in the first place? Didn’t we just get done and over with that soap opera/sitcom called the “IPL”? Yes, we did. As an Indian, I love the IPL. It is the very symbol of BCCI’s dominance of world cricket today. It’s the stuff that can make (and has made) cricketers from around the world go ‘Hu la la la….” on television or Brett Lee sing a duet with Asha Bhosle. But all said and done, I really don’t think T-20s are the reason we love the sport. What I am happy about is the return to centre stage of test cricket. T-20 is like one of those Paris Hilton parties. There’s glamour and glitz, sex tapes and a lot of fun to be had for everyone and their Chihuahuas, but test cricket is like Prince William and Duchess Kate’s (that’s what we have to call her now) wedding reception – class, tradition, anticipation and front page material. (and a dash of Pippa here and there).

The season has well and truly gotten underway with Sri Lanka’s tour of England, and what a cracker of a finish we saw in the first test match. The fact that cricket is a sport of glorious uncertainties got reiterated as all ten Sri Lankan wickets tumbled before one could finish spelling out Chanaka Welegedera’s full name. Chris Tremlett’s bowling was a delight to watch and Alistair Cook’s fine form with the bat goes to show that England no longer need to rely solely on batsmen imported from elsewhere in the commonwealth to put runs on the board.

Elsewhere in the commonwealth, Shahid Afridi has quit international cricket. It’s a sad end to one of the most exciting careers of our times. Shahid Afridi was a talented batsman, his bowling was getting impressive by the day, and given a chance, he could have kept wickets better that Kamran Akmal. Most importantly, Shahid Afridi’s love for the sport was manifested in his attempt at chewing the cricket ball in England last year. Wasn’t this that ‘hunger’ thing that all coaches talk about? He’ll be missed. Unless he makes a “Shocking” comeback in six months. Here’s an appeal to the cricket administration in Pakistan – Give us a break, and start working on being taken seriously.

Closer home, India’s tour of the Caribbean got underway. This is a good opportunity for India to test their bench strength. At least it would have been, if the West Indies cricket board wasn’t so hell bent on testing theirs. They urgently need to sort things out with Chris Gayle, who without any doubt, is one of the most exciting cricketers in the world today. His talent aside, he is one of the coolest guys to have ever taken the field. I can almost see him imparting that Spike Lee brand of wisdom to youngsters in the dressing room (Yaw’ll be hustlin’ and that’s awrite..but bravas gotta get serious. We got sh*t to take care of, man). West Indies cricket, infact cricket everywhere, needs Chris Gayle, and I can’t wait to see him play at the highest level once again.

For India, this series will be a great opportunity to get the momentum going before the tour of England. I am looking forward to Virat Kohli making his test debut. He has shown a lot of maturity and promise in his ODI outings, and is definitely among the frontrunners to become a test regular once those legends – Tendulkar,Dravid and Laxman call it a day. Also, good to see that consistent performers from the domestic circuit have gotten a chance. Parthiv Patel has made a remarkable comeback, and Abhinav Mukund has been notching up runs by the truckload for Tamil Nadu. Manoj Tiwary of West Bengal has been unlucky to have not been baptized so far. He has been doing well in domestic competitions. (However, he still is only the 2^nd most famous Manoj Tiwary in India). The tour is also a good chance for India’s fast bowlers to find rhythm. Ishant Sharma showed flashes of his early promise during the IPL. Sreesanth was an absolute disaster in his last international outing (The world cup final). He is capable of producing those unplayable deliveries, but they have been far too rare. He needs to step up his game and fast. With Zaheer Khan aging, the future of India’s fast bowling is on the shoulders of these two along with Munaf Patel and Praveen Kumar.

P.S. – Good to see Symonds and Bhajji burying the hatchet during the IPL. If only the IPL was around in 1997, Tupac and Notorious B.I.G would have been alive and rapping.