Parallel Universe – 2

Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

Poonam Pandey to strip if Real Madrid win the champions league

Model and wannabe page 3 regular Poonam Pandey has offered to strip if Real Madrid win the UEFA champions league next season. Reacting to the news, President of the football club Florentino Perez said – “Why not? Nothing else seems to be working. I am open to this experiment.” It is reported that Ms. Pandey had initially approached AC Milan with her offer. She is understood to have backed out after AC Milan Prez. Silvio Berlusconi insisted that winning the champions league should not be a pre-condition to ladies stripping in his presence. The Real Madrid squad met the offer with mixed reactions. Cristiano Ronaldo was unfazed, and stated that he doesn’t need to win anything to get women to strip. The statement was accompanied with a customary wink from the ace forward. However, others such as Karim Benzema were particularly excited, and have been training hard to ensure that they stay on the team for the next season.

CBI ropes in Bollywood for potential interrogation of David Headley

In anticipation of a likely opportunity to interrogate ISI stooge David Headley, the CBI has roped in bollywood stars to help inflict pain on the terror suspect. It is understood that the CBI will enlist the services of Fardeen Khan and Emraan Hashmi for this purpose. “We are confident that Headley will share the needed information within seconds of Fardeen recreating his introduction sequence from the movie Jansheen”. A CBI sleuth who requested to remain anonymous stated. “In order to be doubly sure about the potency of the performance, we have invited Subhash Ghai to direct Fardeen Khan for this interrogation”. The US department of state, however, expressed concerns regarding the proposed interrogation technique. “We do not support such blatant abuse of human rights” a spokesperson for the US government said. Headley himself is believed to be aware of the credentials of the said Bollywood icons, and has petitioned the US government to send him to Guantanamo bay instead.

The Rahul of all Rahuls

“Rahul” has got to be among the most common names in India. You can’t imagine walking down a street in Delhi, Lucknow or Jaipur, and not running into a Rahul. (Due apologies to all my friends called Rahul. All 37 of you). I have met some remarkable Rahuls. There are also a few famous Rahuls that I have not had the privilege of meeting - The late great RD Burman for example. Among those still around, there are two who come to mind – the one who regularly adorns the front page of all newspapers across the country (Rahul, please become PM/ Rahul not fit to become PM/Is Rahul even his real name? etc etc.) and the one who has regularly adorned the sports section of newspapers across the cricketing world for the last fifteen years – Rahul Dravid.

It was exactly fifteen years ago , 22nd^d of June 1996, when Rahul Dravid walked out to the middle at Lord’s to partner Sourav Ganguly.It was the beginning of a new era for Indian cricket. Dravid and Ganguly, along with Tendulkar, and Laxman, laid the foundation for the fearless, aggressive and confidant unit that the Indian cricket team is today. In this particular test match, While Ganguly went on to score one of the most fondly remembered debut tons ever, Dravid was unfortunate to go at 95. It was however, a remarkable feat for a debutant batting at no.7, under seaming conditions. It was only the beginning of a great career, and Dravid has gone on to amass over 12000 runs in tests, and over 10000 runs in ODIs. Needless to say, this puts him in the A-list of the most successful batsmen of all time. Stats aside, it is the quality of Dravid’s performances that makes him an all-time great. Right from the 148 & 81 against South Africa at Jo’berg in 1997, to the twin hundreds against New Zealand at Hamilton in 1999, the 180 against Australia at Kolkata in 2001, double centuries away at England, Australia and Pakistand between 2002 and 2004, twin 50s on a landmine of a pitch in Kingston in 2006…the list is endless. As I write this, India are playing WI at Kingston, and are only one wicket away from victory. The architect of this victory, once again is Rahul Dravid. His 112 in the second inning, once again in extremely trying conditions, with wickets tumbling at the other end, has proved that even in the age of T-20s, genuine class stays relevant and paramount.

What is ironic is the fact that despite such enviable achievements, some cricket fans dispute Dravid’s status as one of the greatest batsmen in the history of the sport. They offer ridiculous arguments such as – ‘He is not entertaining enough’ or ‘He could never prove himself in ODIs’. These arguments are laughable and invite utmost contempt from me and indeed from anyone who seriously follows cricket. Rahul Dravid’s batting is like poetry. If one fails to see the inspiration, perseverance and romance in it, they should probably not call themselves cricket fans. The brand of entertainment that he offers is not for the rabble. Anyways, I doubt that the great man himself would care about such criticism. His job, after all, is to provide stability to his team’s battling line-up, and not to evoke guffaws through slapstick gestures. Those who say that he failed in the shorter format of the sport, obviously have dubious memory. They conveniently forget that he is among the few who have crossed the 10,000 run barrier in ODIs. He has represented India 339 times in ODIs. In a country replete with batting talent, one can’t expect to play 339 ODIs without being excellent at the trade. These people also forget the fact that Dravid selflessly kept wickets for a long time to help accommodate a seventh batsman in the team. It was this gesture that helped forge the team that reached the World Cup final in 2003. He is the only batsman to have participated in triple hundred stands in ODIs on two separate occasions. He was also the top scorer in the 1999 World cup in England. Anybody who is aware of these facts, and has his sanity intact, would agree that Dravid did a great job in ODIs as well. He has his own way of contributing to the cause, just like Sehwag has one of his own.

All said and done, Cricket is fortunate to have an ambassador like Rahul Dravid, graceful on and off the field. As an Indian, I am proud that Rahul Dravid is my compatriot.

Parallel Universe - 1

The news that never happened, and no self respecting individual would care about even if it did happen

Hilton Bitch in sleaze tape

A sex tape featuring Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua –‘Tinkerbell’ was leaked on the internet today. The Chihuahua was seen getting cosy with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s German shepherd – ‘Heindrich’ in the said tape. On being contacted by the press, Hilton, the reclusive and media shy heiress expressed disgust. “Why don’t y’all..like..just leave us alone.” Said Paris. The Guvernator was unavailable to comment on the matter. Heindrich is rumored to have previously dated Pamela Anderson’s Yorkshire terrier, Dr.Dre’s b***h and Pauly D from Jersey Shore.

Whistle Podu

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is set to star in a Tamil remake of popular Sitcom ‘How I met your mother’. MSD’s character – ‘Periyasamy Ramalingam’ is based on the character ‘Ted Mosby’ from the original show. The rest of the star cast is rumored to include Surya, Vadivelu and Shreya Saran. Hemang Badani and Albie Morkel are set to make cameo appearances as each other in the pilot of the series. Fans would know that both Surya and Vadivelu have starred in over 100 movies, while Dhoni has starred in over 100 TV commercials. Commenting on his new role, the Indian captain said – ‘Basically I need to go back to the drawing board. I have never done comedy earlier. As you know, I am the flamboyant one and not the funny one. However, I have sought the help of the entire Pakistani cricket team to help me be funny’. The uncredited voice over for ‘Future Periyasamy’ will be provided by Kris Srikanth. MSD’s team mate Yuvraj Singh expressed confidence in his captain’s capability to ‘Change the game’ with this new venture. “Oh Jee, I am really happy for him” said Yuvraj. Yuvraj himself is believed to have been approached to star in a Punjabi remake of ‘Baywatch’. Navjot Singh Siddhu and Virat Kohli are expected to star alongside him along with the entire cheerleading squad from Pune Warriors.

Baba Benched

Pandemonium ensued as Baba Ramdev announced his candidature for the office of FIFA president. “I am willing to dedicate myself fulltime to the responsibilities of the office”. Before his supporters could stop cheering, and before Sepp Blatter could finish Googling him, Babaji clarified that by “fulltime” he meant 3 days a week. He mentioned that he intends to spend the rest of the week in the Mallorca chapter of his Ashram. The confusion lead to intense media speculation and activity. Ultimately the CRPF had to be deployed to get things under control. FIFA president Sepp Blatter rubbished the entire episode. He maintained that he has bigger priorities at hand, such as – getting re-elected to office and..ummm…doing something about racism in football..

DIY

I admit I can be pretentious at times, but essentially I am a simple guy. A simple guy who appreciates the simpler things in life. This sentiment is presently manifesting itself in my renewed interest in the Punk rock genre of music. Punk rock started as somewhat of a cultural revolt against what rock music in the 60s had become. The intricate themes and elaborate stage performances of bands such as Pink Floyd and Velvet Underground were definitely significant contributions to music, but they were taking rock music away from the masses. Not everybody had the sophistication and literary background of Syd Barrett, neither was the artistic flair that Andy Warhol brought to Velvet Underground available to all. Anyways, these things are not essential to the art of song writing or performance.

From within the frustrating and decaying social scene of New York, The Ramones came and reclaimed rock music for the common man. Their finest hour was the song ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’. The rallying cry that the song starts with, sparked a revolution marked by the pursuit of independence and dissent towards any and all things that signified the corruption of the erstwhile establishment. On the other side of the Atlantic, London’s Sex Pistols did their bit with timeless classics such as –‘Anarchy in the UK’ and ‘God save the queen’. More than anything else, it was the unconventional image of John Lydon and Sid Vicious that so endeared them to the masses. People must have thought, if these boys from Finsbury Park can speak up, why can’t we? It was unfortunate, however, that Sid Vicious died at the age of 21 because of a reckless life style, marred by drug abuse.

While New York’s famous nightclub CBGB was the birthplace of Punk Rock, it was definitely the UK where the genre found its best ambassadors. Apart from the Sex Pistols, bands like Buzzcocks and The Clash took Punk to the next level. The clash touched upon sensitive political themes, often encouraging their audiences to think for themselves and question the establishment. My personal favorite from The Clash’s work is the song – ‘London Calling’. This 1979 classic was inspired by issues such as the three miles island nuclear accident, flooding in Thames and urban riots in London. All in all, what the Punks achieved was that they could bring to mainstream issues which concerned the man of the street every day, but were never articulated.

P.S. – For rock fans, I recommend listening to the albums ‘Zen Arcade’ and ‘Candy Apple Grey’ by Husker Du. Husker Du were among the better bands around in the 80s, and have been cited as influences by bands such as Nirvana and Green Day.

Cricket is back !!

Yes, it is..!! But wait a minute! Did it even go away in the first place? Didn’t we just get done and over with that soap opera/sitcom called the “IPL”? Yes, we did. As an Indian, I love the IPL. It is the very symbol of BCCI’s dominance of world cricket today. It’s the stuff that can make (and has made) cricketers from around the world go ‘Hu la la la….” on television or Brett Lee sing a duet with Asha Bhosle. But all said and done, I really don’t think T-20s are the reason we love the sport. What I am happy about is the return to centre stage of test cricket. T-20 is like one of those Paris Hilton parties. There’s glamour and glitz, sex tapes and a lot of fun to be had for everyone and their Chihuahuas, but test cricket is like Prince William and Duchess Kate’s (that’s what we have to call her now) wedding reception – class, tradition, anticipation and front page material. (and a dash of Pippa here and there).

The season has well and truly gotten underway with Sri Lanka’s tour of England, and what a cracker of a finish we saw in the first test match. The fact that cricket is a sport of glorious uncertainties got reiterated as all ten Sri Lankan wickets tumbled before one could finish spelling out Chanaka Welegedera’s full name. Chris Tremlett’s bowling was a delight to watch and Alistair Cook’s fine form with the bat goes to show that England no longer need to rely solely on batsmen imported from elsewhere in the commonwealth to put runs on the board.

Elsewhere in the commonwealth, Shahid Afridi has quit international cricket. It’s a sad end to one of the most exciting careers of our times. Shahid Afridi was a talented batsman, his bowling was getting impressive by the day, and given a chance, he could have kept wickets better that Kamran Akmal. Most importantly, Shahid Afridi’s love for the sport was manifested in his attempt at chewing the cricket ball in England last year. Wasn’t this that ‘hunger’ thing that all coaches talk about? He’ll be missed. Unless he makes a “Shocking” comeback in six months. Here’s an appeal to the cricket administration in Pakistan – Give us a break, and start working on being taken seriously.

Closer home, India’s tour of the Caribbean got underway. This is a good opportunity for India to test their bench strength. At least it would have been, if the West Indies cricket board wasn’t so hell bent on testing theirs. They urgently need to sort things out with Chris Gayle, who without any doubt, is one of the most exciting cricketers in the world today. His talent aside, he is one of the coolest guys to have ever taken the field. I can almost see him imparting that Spike Lee brand of wisdom to youngsters in the dressing room (Yaw’ll be hustlin’ and that’s awrite..but bravas gotta get serious. We got sh*t to take care of, man). West Indies cricket, infact cricket everywhere, needs Chris Gayle, and I can’t wait to see him play at the highest level once again.

For India, this series will be a great opportunity to get the momentum going before the tour of England. I am looking forward to Virat Kohli making his test debut. He has shown a lot of maturity and promise in his ODI outings, and is definitely among the frontrunners to become a test regular once those legends – Tendulkar,Dravid and Laxman call it a day. Also, good to see that consistent performers from the domestic circuit have gotten a chance. Parthiv Patel has made a remarkable comeback, and Abhinav Mukund has been notching up runs by the truckload for Tamil Nadu. Manoj Tiwary of West Bengal has been unlucky to have not been baptized so far. He has been doing well in domestic competitions. (However, he still is only the 2^nd most famous Manoj Tiwary in India). The tour is also a good chance for India’s fast bowlers to find rhythm. Ishant Sharma showed flashes of his early promise during the IPL. Sreesanth was an absolute disaster in his last international outing (The world cup final). He is capable of producing those unplayable deliveries, but they have been far too rare. He needs to step up his game and fast. With Zaheer Khan aging, the future of India’s fast bowling is on the shoulders of these two along with Munaf Patel and Praveen Kumar.

P.S. – Good to see Symonds and Bhajji burying the hatchet during the IPL. If only the IPL was around in 1997, Tupac and Notorious B.I.G would have been alive and rapping.